Lying

“We give the child nourishing food so that his little body may grow, and in just the same way we must provide him with suitable nourishment for his mental and moral growth. Just as we cannot directly help his body to grow into manhood, so we cannot form his mind or character for him.”  —Maria Montessori

When children lie, it can trigger strong reactions in us as adults. Thoughts like They’re being manipulative, He is disrespectful, or Can I trust them? can surface quickly. Honesty is foundational in adult relationships, so a child’s dishonesty can feel personal—like a challenge to our authority or a rupture in our relationship.

Mark was a Lower Elementary student. He was an only child, and his parents were… well, let’s just say they were very involved. Mark couldn’t make a move without his parents correcting him. They were both very caring people, from what I could tell, but when Mark came to school and no one was monitoring his every move, he began testing some of his newfound freedoms. This included quiet defiance of classroom rules, harming class pets, and sometimes physically hurting other children. The difficulty was that any time Mark was confronted, he lied about the incident—distorting the facts, blaming the other child, or outright denying it ever happened. This not only angered his teachers but also his peers. Without the truth, it seemed impossible to make progress in resolving problems.

The situation with Mark escalated after a friend’s birthday party at a local YMCA pool. During the party, Mark pushed the birthday boy, David, underwater, causing him to struggle and inhale water. When questioned by both fathers, Mark denied it. Understandably, David’s father was furious—a reaction I could relate to, having confronted Mark about similar behavior in the classroom. On Monday, David’s father told me about the event. While he did not say it overtly, there was an undertone that communicated, “How long are you going to keep this child in our school?”

Why Children Lie

Children lie for many reasons. They may hope to avoid getting in trouble, escape an unwanted task or consequence, gain approval, or avoid disappointing someone they love. They may also lie for prosocial reasons—to spare someone’s feelings, be polite, or protect a friend from embarrassment. Understanding this range of motives helps us respond with clarity rather than frustration.

While lying is certainly a misbehavior, it is also developmentally typical. Most children experiment with lying as their cognitive and social abilities grow. Research shows that lying emerges alongside the development of theory of mind—the understanding that others have thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions different from one’s own. This is a key building block of healthy social development. For example, a child may hear a teacher say that all the pouring works were filled with water, then notice that one is empty. Realizing that the teacher believes something untrue indicates that the child is developing theory of mind. Once children understand that others may not know what they know, a new possibility emerges: they can influence another person’s belief (Talwar, 2008).

Young children do not lie because they are immoral; they are developing new cognitive skills and social awareness, particularly perspective-taking, and learning to problem solve in new ways. A three-year-old who eats a cookie and denies it—with crumbs on their face—isn’t being calculating. They know their parent is angry, and they are beginning to understand that their parent have different knowledge than they do. This presents an opportunity to solve this problem in a new way – stating something that isn’t true. The lie is obvious but exploratory.

Older children, however, develop greater social awareness and begin crafting more intentional and convincing stories—like blaming the dog for the missing cookie and sprinkling crumbs as “evidence.” This shift reflects growing cognitive sophistication, social awareness, and ethical understanding (Talwar & Lee, 2008).

As children come to understand that their statements shape what others believe, they also begin developing a sense of moral responsibility—a characteristic of Dr. Montessori’s Second Plane of Development. During this stage, children become especially sensitive to fairness, justice, and right action. When they realize that a false statement can mislead or harm someone, they begin to experience the social and ethical impact of honesty. This makes the elementary years a crucial time to learn that truthfulness builds trust, safety, and fairness within their community—that honesty is the foundation of healthy and secure relationships.

In Mark’s case, his lying caused discord among classmates and strained relationships with peers and teachers alike. His behavior needed to be addressed, and it also offered a valuable opportunity to help him develop honesty, responsibility, and relationship skills.

See “The Rest of the Story” at the end of this article to find out how things shook out with Mark!

Lying and the Planes of Development

Toddlers (under 3) – In the earliest years of the first plane, children learn by imitating, exploring, and responding to the adults around them. They don’t lie with intent. When a toddler says something untrue, it’s usually because they’re still sorting out reality or hoping to avoid a negative reaction. A child who breaks a glass and denies it isn’t being deceptive in the adult sense—they don’t want to disappoint us (Evans & Lee, 2013).

Children’s House (3–6 years) – In the second half of the first plane of development, children begin to develop symbolic thought, experiment with imagination and become more socially aware. Their untruths are often obvious—looking directly at the item they claim they don’t have or telling stories that fall apart quickly. At this stage, children may exaggerate, deny responsibility, or “people-please” (Talwar & Lee, 2008). Their motives are simple: seeking approval, avoiding upset, maintaining connection, or testing boundaries (Guo & Rochat, 2025).

Elementary (6–12 years) – In the second plane, children shift from concrete to abstract reasoning, which gives them more cognitive tools for shaping the truth. Their lies become more sophisticated and socially driven. They may aim to protect themselves or their reputations, preserve friendships, smooth over social tension, correct what they see as an injustice, or avoid consequences. Lying in this stage often appears as white lies, creative storytelling, blaming others, exaggeration, flattery, or leaving out key facts. Older elementary children can also construct and maintain believable narratives—much like Mark in the opening example (Talwar & Lee, 2008).

Adolescence (12–18 years) – Adolescents are driven by a deep need for identity, autonomy, and belonging. With greater self-awareness and moral reasoning, their dishonest moments often reflect more complex motivations: navigating peer acceptance, protecting social status, managing self-presentation, or testing authority. Their lies are typically more intentional, less impulsive, and tied to the work of forming their identity. Untruths are generally harder to detect by adults and may include half-truths, minimization, misrepresentation, omission, secrecy from adults, and lies of compliance (saying yes but doing no).

Preparing the Environment and the Teacher

The environment and the teacher play vital roles in creating an atmosphere where children feel safe and encouraged to tell the truth. In Montessori classrooms, we emphasize collaboration, community, and democratic processes rather than punishment. The environment enables children to explore honesty within the context of real social relationships. In short, children can learn from their experiences with security because we view mistakes as important opportunities to learn. Remember, children are hard-wired to connect—to find belonging—so the motivation toward pro-social behaviors is “built in,” but the abilities and skills to obtain those connections are learned (Over, 2016). Learning socially is, however, a messy business.

• Connection – “Connection before correction” is a foundational principle of Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom. Accepting children for who they are, where they are—not where we wish they were—is an irreplaceable ingredient in the recipe for a trusting relationship. Trust grows from connection, and children who trust adults are more likely to tell the truth. Even when children make mistakes and don’t tell the truth, a trusting relationship makes it easier for them to admit their misstep. If lying becomes frequent or patterns emerge in the classroom, the first step is always to look at where connection can be strengthened—especially with those children who might be most difficult to connect with.
• Avoid Permissiveness – Permissive environments create conditions in which children may be more prone to dishonesty. Unclear boundaries, inconsistency, and low follow-through can lead children to manipulate the truth to get what they want or to avoid undesired tasks and challenges. Permissive adults may write off the behavior as a “stage” and avoid addressing it directly. While lying may, in fact, be a stage, failing to address it steals the opportunity to build an important life skill—honesty.
• Avoid Strictness – Authoritarian or overly strict environments can also encourage dishonesty. Punitive consequences, lack of warmth, and rigid expectations are likely to strain relationships between adults and children. Under these conditions, children may lie to avoid punishment or displeasing adults. Harsh adult responses to dishonesty often promote more secrecy and sneakiness.
• Watch for Strong Reactions – We all have “buttons” that get pushed by certain behaviors—and lying is a common one for many adults. It can feel like a betrayal or even a personal attack. If lying triggers a strong reaction in you, take time to cool down before addressing the child. Approach the situation later with kindness and firmness—or ask a colleague to intervene. Remember: a harsh or emotional response can actually encourage more dishonesty rather than less.
• Class Meetings – One of the “rules” in my Class Meetings was that no one ever “gets in trouble.” Instead, we focus on identifying the cause of problems (critical thinking) and solving them. We also take time to teach children how to take responsibility for their role in a problem. It is not uncommon in a well-run Class Meeting to hear a child exclaim, unprompted: “Yes, I teased you also. I am sorry.” We focus on solutions, not consequences, and mistakes become opportunities to learn.

Grace and Courtesy Skills

Grace and Courtesy lessons help children develop social skills that foster belonging (acceptance) and significance. Teaching these skills is a three-part process, similar to a three-period lesson:  Lesson – Teach the missing or lagging skill explicitly.  Practice – Provide opportunities for practice through role-play and real-life experiences, allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them.  Application – Encourage progress, not perfection. Take quiet moments to acknowledge and give encouragement to children as they learn to apply new skills.

• A Truth or a Lie– Use developmentally adjusted lessons to discuss the difference between the truth and a lie. Why is it important to tell the truth?
• Types of Lying– Make a list of the different types of untruths with elementary and adolescent students. Then make a list of alternatives. For example, the alternative to an exaggeration is to state the facts accurately, etc. Role-play demonstrations of the untruths and their alternatives. Discuss their impact on relationships.
• Empathy– What does it feel like when someone lies to you? What might you think and decide? Why might someone tell a lie?
• What to Do When a Friend Lies to You– With younger children, share a list of a few kind and respectful responses that children can use when someone lies to them: “That doesn’t sound like the truth. The truth is ________. I don’t like it when you tell me a lie. Please tell me the truth.” With elementary and adolescent children, make a list of kind and respectful responses with the students. Role-play the responses and discuss their impact.
• Making Amends– Teach children the Three R’s of Recovery (PDMC, pp. 211–212). The Three R’s of Recovery include recognizing the mistake with responsibility, reconciling by expressing understanding of hurt feelings, and resolving the problem by focusing on solutions. Example: “I didn’t tell the truth about your pencil. I took it. I bet you felt sad. Here is your pencil back.” With younger children, you can simply teach them to make an apology in two steps—recognize and apologize: “I took your pencil. I’m sorry.” Do not make children apologize, as this actually perpetuates lying.
• Active Listening– Learning to actively listen is one of the best ways to invite open and honest communication. Teaching elementary and adolescent children how to listen openly and actively helps them create an atmosphere where it’s safe for someone to tell the truth. Teach and practice Reflective Listening (PDMC, pp. 186–190).
• Telling the Truth When It’s Hard– Make a list of situations where it might be hard to tell the truth (you might “get in trouble,” people might not accept you, you might hurt someone’s feelings). Then make a list of ideas about how to tell the truth in those situations (let them know you care, share your feelings, let them know you like them). Practice those ideas through role-play.
• Saying “No” Politely– Teach children how to offer an alternative if they don’t like what someone else is choosing or offering: “I don’t like peanut butter and jelly, thank you. I do like just peanut butter, though.” “I don’t care for basketball, but I’d love to play soccer with you.”
• I Messages– There are books and whole courses for adults on giving difficult messages. Maybe we can help the next generation save a little money and teach this skill early! This is most easily done by sharing feelings and focusing on solutions. I Language is a simple way to help children share their feelings honestly and then focus on solutions. Examples: “I feel sad when you make fun of me. I wish you didn’t do that.” Dislikes and Wishes messages work well for younger children and also incorporate sharing feelings and focusing on solutions: “I don’t like it when you push me. I wish you would use your words.” Teach directly and practice together.
• Being Who You Are Under Pressure– This is a particularly important skill for older elementary and adolescent students. Make a list of situations where you might feel pressure to say something you don’t believe or act in a way that does not represent who you really are. Then, make a list of alternatives to inauthentic responses. Be sure to discuss how they might feel when they have been authentic versus inauthentic.

General Responses

• Ignore and Redirect– With young children (2 to 3 years old), whose untrue statements are often experimental, it’s OK to ignore an untruth rather than address it directly. Kindly state the truth and then move on: “Those are Sam’s shoes. These are your shoes. Would you like some help?”
• Read Literature About Honesty– Storytelling is an ancient and profoundly effective way to teach pro-social behaviors and virtues. Be sure to leave time to ask questions and explore the story together. Books for younger children: Sam, Bans & Moonshine by Evaline Ness, The Bear Ate Your Sandwich by Julia Sarcone-Roach, and The Empty Pot by Demi. For elementary-aged children: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl, Liar, Liar by Gary Paulsen. There are many more!
• Focus on Behavior, Not Character– Address the child’s behavior, not their character. Honesty is a skill to develop, not an immutable trait, and changing behavior is how character grows. When we judge someone’s character, it can feel overwhelming and discouraging—an attack on who they are rather than what they’ve done.
• Avoid Assumptions– Assumptions, even correct ones, communicate that the adult has already made up their mind. The verdict is in, so why tell the truth? Assumptions invite defensiveness and even shame. When children feel judged or misunderstood, a lie can seem like the safest way to protect themselves. Even more, we might be wrong!
• Ask Conversational Curiosity Questions– Instead of asking “Why?”—a question that often triggers defensiveness and dishonesty—ask “what” and “how” questions. Approach the situation with genuine curiosity rather than blame. You’ll be surprised how often this draws out the truth and builds trust. For more on Conversational Curiosity Questions, see PDMC, pp. 194–199.
• Give Space and Circle Back– If you sense a child is not telling the truth—especially if they are defensive or argumentative—put the conversation on hold: “I would love to hear more about this after lunch. Let’s talk then.”Circle back later, when you and the child are feeling more centered, and then use Conversational Curiosity Questions.
• Encouragement– Intentional encouragement—compliments and appreciation—is often overlooked because honesty is something adults expect, not usually celebrate. Yet children and adolescents are shaping their pro-social behaviors and moral compass. Take time to acknowledge honesty, especially in moments when it would be tempting to hide the truth—saving face, avoiding disappointment, or thinking no one will know.
• Do Over– Say with a warm, knowing smile: “That sounds like it may not be the whole truth. You’re not in trouble—would you like a do-over?”
• Small Steps– If a child appears hesitant to tell the truth and responds with, “I don’t know,” ask, “What would you say if you did know?” Then stay Present, Warm, and Silent (PWS). If they offer some pieces of the truth, encourage them to take another step: “What might have happened then?” or “Is it possible that…?” Work with what you have. With older children, you may want to offer a knowing smile without direct confrontation; a facial expression can be worth many words!
• Use Humor– This works very well with denial, especially if it’s obvious. You might exaggerate their story with a big smile: “There must have been a thief that broke into our classroom! I bet he took out the stamp game after you put it away and then put your name tag on it. Should we call the police?”
• Focus on Solutions– Don’t argue, don’t blame. Instead, express understanding, state what you know, and then focus on solutions: “Connor’s pen is very cool. I can understand why you might have been tempted to take it from him. How do you think you can fix this with Connor?”
• Presence, Warmth, and Silence– If you know a child is not telling the truth, say: “Hmmm… this sounds like a story.” Then say nothing else. Remain present and warm, waiting with trust for the child to share the truth. It may feel uncomfortable—and that’s okay. Your discomfort often mirrors theirs. Sit with it and let the magic happen. This approach gives the child the dignity to self-correct with kind and firm support.
• Problem-Solve with Kindness and Firmness– Problem solving is one of the most effective ways to avoid permissive or authoritarian responses to dishonesty. Using the Four Steps for Follow-Through (PDMC, pp. 132–142), share your observations and feelings, allow the child to share theirs (listen), and then brainstorm and choose solutions to the problem together. No one is in trouble, but the issue is addressed with kindness and firmness.
• Natural Consequences– Natural consequences happen all by themselves—no adult intervention necessary. With elementary and adolescent students, there are numerous natural consequences when a child does not tell the truth: lack of trust, strained relationships, unsolved problems, hurt or angry feelings, etc. When the consequences occur, use Conversational Curiosity Questions to help the child review the situation constructively and focus on how to repair their mistakes.

Mistaken Goal Responses

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” (Dreikurs, 1964)

When children feel supported and encouraged in the classroom environment, and they know they belong (are loved) and feel significant (through responsibility and contribution), they thrive. With guidance, they develop kindness and respect for others and themselves and discover how capable they are.

When children feel discouraged, they misbehave because they have a mistaken belief about how to belong and feel significant. As Rudolph Dreikurs observed, children adopt four mistaken goals when they feel discouraged.

Below are practical ideas for supporting positive change for disruptive behavior for each mistaken goal. Some of the General Responses above are included and aligned with mistaken goals.

Undue Attention (Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully) – Children whose mistaken goal is Undue Attention may not tell the truth to be noticed, to keep others (friends or adults) busy with them, or to avoid disapproval. Lying may include exaggerations, tall-tale telling, negotiation and manipulation, people-pleasing, and denying responsibility.

Responses: Do not “chase the lie” with interrogation or extra attention. Use Conversational Curiosity Questions. Use humor—exaggerate the untruth with a smile. Offer constructive avenues for gaining “useful attention,” particularly through contributing positively to the community, such as helping. Offer a “do-over.” Write a note instead of talking: “I notice that you’re using Maria’s pencil. Have you asked her?” Notice and encourage truthfulness.

Misguided Power (Let Me Help – Give Me Choices) – Children with the mistaken goal of Misguided Power may lie to maintain their perception of personal power, agency, and dignity. Lying might include saying yes but doing no, omission of facts, denial of responsibility, blaming, and concealment.

Responses: Address dishonesty privately to help the child preserve their dignity. Offer the truth with understanding: “Is it possible you pushed him because you were angry or hurt?” Focus on problem-solving using the Four Steps for Follow-Through. Avoid interrogation questions like, “Is that your mess?” Instead, offer limited choices to guide action: “Would you like to use the broom or the vacuum for that?”

Revenge (I’m Hurting – Validate My Feelings) – Children whose mistaken goal is Revenge may lie when they feel hurt or threatened. Their lying may be premeditated or reactive and emotionally charged as they seek justice or retribution for a real or perceived hurt. Because children with this mistaken goal hurt others intentionally, they tend to receive strong negative reactions from peers and adults. Dishonesty is likely to take the form of denial and blaming others. Lying may also include strategic lies to cause consequences for others, distorting details of events, telling untruths to punish others socially, or covert lies (acting kind now with the intention of retaliating later).

Responses: Address the emotions first, then the behavior. Make intentional time to connect and build trust. Model making amends. Show trust in the student wherever possible and verbalize it. Use reflective listening! Validate feelings, then focus on repair: “You must have felt hurt and angry to hurt Diana. Tell me what happened? Are you OK? How might Diana be feeling? Would you like to check on her?” Address dishonesty privately. Avoid punishment. Allow natural consequences and support reflection later with Conversational Curiosity Questions.

Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me – Show Me a Small Step) – A child with the mistaken goal of Assumed Inadequacy may lie out of fear of failure or to avoid judgment because they believe they are not capable and won’t belong unless they are perfect. Dishonest behaviors may include hiding mistakes, minimizing effort, underreporting success, blaming others or outside factors to protect self-image, pretending to know something, and omission.

Responses: Create opportunities for success. Avoid situations that might induce lying. Take small steps toward the truth: “Might it be that…?” Share your own imperfections to build trust. Teach skills for accurate self-appraisal. Focus on achievement of a “personal best.” Give space, then circle back: “I trust you to tell me the truth. Let’s talk again after I finish my math lesson.” Note accuracies in their narrative, then ask: “What else is true?”

The Rest of the Story

If I learned anything in Montessori training and from my mentors, it’s that observation is our friend. From what I observed of Mark’s interactions with classmates and adults, he often lied out of defensiveness, anticipating blame. His lies were usually denials or attempts to shift responsibility. He appeared afraid to “get into trouble.” Consulting the Mistaken Goal Chart, I found that Mark’s mistaken goal was Revenge—which meant he believed he didn’t belong, so he hurt others the way he felt hurt. He received strong negative reactions from others as a result. In turn, he used dishonesty to defend himself. This, of course, made things worse. Understanding this camouflaged motivation and his reactions changed how I approached him.

I began meeting with Mark privately after incidents where he lied and worked hard to listen reflectively without judgment. Little by little, he started telling the truth. In the beginning, it was partial truths, but it was an improvement. After listening to him, we focused together on repairing the harm rather than just assigning consequences. What I discovered during this process was that Mark was highly sensitive; when he felt heard and validated, he almost always wanted to make amends with his friends.

Around the same time, one of the children brought up the issue of Mark’s lying in a Class Meeting. Many of the students expressed that they felt hurt but also wanted to be Mark’s friend. Mark admitted he had been feeling left out. The class then brainstormed ways to respond when someone isn’t truthful and strategies to help Mark feel included.

These events took place over 20 years ago. I don’t remember how quickly Mark stopped hurting his classmates, but it wasn’t long. Not only did Mark stay in our school, but he became a beloved member of our community.

This story may sound like a fairytale, but it is not. It’s a true story. Years later, Mark visited our school to say hello. Today he is a successful engineering executive in New York and appears happy and well-adjusted—a nice reminder that even the most difficult situations are opportunities for growth and learning. Progress, not perfection!

References

American Psychological Association. (2022, July 20). The truth about why kids lie, with Victoria Talwar, PhD (Speaking of Psychology podcast).

Arky, B. (2025, October 17). Why kids lie and what parents can do about it. Child Mind Institute.

Ding, X. P., Wellman, H. M., Wang, Y., Fu, G., & Lee, K. (2015). Theory-of-mind training causes honest young children to lie. Psychological Science, 26(11), 1812–1821.

Dreikurs, R. (1964). Children: The challenge. Hawthorn Books.

Evans, A. D., & Lee, K. (2013). Emergence of lying in very young children. Developmental Psychology, 49(10), 1958–1963.

Guo, C. X., & Rochat, P. (2025). What motivates early lies? Deception in 2½- to 5-year-olds. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 249, Article 106079.

Montessori, M. (2007). Maria Montessori speaks to parents: A selection of articles (Vol. 21). Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.

Nelsen, J., & DeLorenzo, C. (2021). Positive discipline in the Montessori classroom. Parent-Child Press.

Over, H. (2016). The origins of belonging: Social motivation in infants and young children. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 371(1686), 20150072.

Talwar, V., & Lee, K. (2008). Social and cognitive correlates of children’s lying behavior. Child Development, 79(4), 866–881.

© 2025 Chip DeLorenzo