Passivity: Supporting Withdrawn and Shy Children in the Montessori Classroom

It is our object to train the child for activity, for work, for doing good, and not for immobility or passivity. – Maria Montessori

In Montessori classrooms, passivity can be especially concerning. Independence, agency, and social engagement are foundational to healthy development—yet some children interact with their environment and community quietly, cautiously, or from the sidelines. Maria Montessori reminds us that our aim is not immobility or passivity, but purposeful activity, meaningful work, and contribution.

As a Head of School, I would often hear from our local high school about our school’s alumi – most often about how well they were doing.  Almost all of our alumni did well academically, but it wasn’t their grades that I heard a lot about.  It was their character.  The most frequent observations by their new teachers were that the Montessori graduates were self-advocates, confident in who they were, respectful of their peers, active participants, treated their teachers as allies vs. overlords, asked for help, and were eager to learn.  If you have been in Montessori education for any length of time you’ve probably heard these comments about your students, too.  Maybe from the school they matriculated to, or from a coach or a docent on a field trip.  They are common observations of Montessori students.

But, when you are on the front lines, living the daily life of a Montessori educator, you know that these outcomes are often born of the messy process of development, which takes years, not months.  And, while there are children who seem to naturally take to the Montessori environment like a duck to water, there are others who we worry about who seem like they may never “get it”.  This is particularly true when we encounter a child who is interacting with the environment and with their community passively.  

Monica entered the classroom holding onto her mother’s pant leg.  Elizabeth, her new teacher, smiled broadly and gave Monica a warm welcome.  “I’m so happy you are here with us!”  Monica buried her face behind her mother’s legs.  A few moments later, her mother gave her a big hug and said goodbye.  No tears, just a distant stare. 

After a few weeks of school, Elizabeth was getting worried.  Monica wasn’t talking during circle.  She stayed near her teachers when the children were outside, and in the classroom, she worked with only one other student when she wasn’t working alone.  Monica was 6 years old.  While it was her first year in Elizabeth’s Lower Elementary classroom, it was her third year at the school. 

As the weeks passed, Monica slowly began to engage more with a few other students, but her social interactions were still very passive.  Once, Elizabeth observed her and two other girls playing a fantasy game that involved a crown made out of pine branches.  Monica put the crown on her head when she arrived at the “castle”.  One of her friends arrived and took the crown off Monica’s head and said, “I am the princess today.”  Monica didn’t respond and just followed along.  Elizabeth’s concern continued. 

While children who are exhibiting passivity rarely, if ever, cause a rucus, their behavior is no less concerning, especially as they enter into the sensitive period for socialization.  It is during this period of development that children learn to navigate the social landscape through peer interactions, particularly peer conflict (see Peer Conflict article). Through messy social interactions children learn to incredibly important social and life skills that will ideally serve them throughout their lives; skills like assertiveness, self-advocacy, conflict resolution, perspective-taking, inclusiveness, setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries, empathy, etc. (Chen et al., 2001).   When a child approaches these messy social experiences with passivity, they miss the opportunity to develop these critical skills and miss out on fully engaging with their community.  Authentic connection eludes a withdrawn or passive child, and their primary social need for belonging and significance, goes unmet, and discouragement ensues, leaving them at risk long-term social and emotional difficulties (Rubin et al., 2009).

The key to addressing passivity lies both in the environment and through patient individual support and intervention. (Parray & Kumar, 2022).

Passivity and the Montessori Planes of Development

Toddlers (Under 3 Years) – In the first half of the first plane of development, children are in the sensitive period for movement, independence and sensory exploration.  Passivity can be a concerning behavior in a toddler, as it suggests that the child’s drive towards independence and movement is being interfered with.  It may indicate a developmental delay or over dependence upon adult action.  Passivity may manifest as limited initiative in movement or exploration, flat affect, minimal engagement with children or adults and classroom work, waiting on adults to feed or move them, and little independent interaction with the classroom environment. (Coplan et al., 1994).

Children’s House (3-6 Years) – During the second half of the first plane of development as children move into the conscious absorbent mind, they are still in the sensitive period for independence, and are also rapidly developing their conscious will, coordinating, concentration, and social awareness.  It is typical for children to be learning to use their agency to meet their basic needs like eating, dressing, and toileting.  Passivity, like in the first half of this developmental plane, is cause for concern and may indicate a developmental delay or difference, or learned adult dependency.  Passivity may manifest as seeking approval before acting, limited interactions with other children, not choosing work, not asking for help, abandoning tasks, passively observing rather than engaging in work or lessons, quiet dependence on adults (eating, dressing, communicating, toileting, etc.), and very little social initiative. (Rubin et al., 2013)

Elementary (6-12 years) – In the second plane of development the developmental tendencies include a new focus on social relationships, a quest for justice and fairness, an explosion of imagination and the development of reasoning and abstraction.  Passivity may indicate a perceived lack of social-emotional safety, sense of belonging or capability.  (  It may present itself as reluctance to initiate work, dependency on peers to lead group work or collaborative play, apparent shyness, avoidance of conflict, attending but not speaking during group discussions or lessons, limited social initiative, over reliance on adults for direction, and disengagement from interpersonal or group problem-solving. (Nelson, Rubin & Fox, 2005).

Adolescence (12-18 years) – In the third plane of development adolescents are in the sensitive period for identity formation, autonomy and social belonging.  Passivity may be a response to real or perceived threats to their sense of belonging and identity.  An overly controlled environment, heavy on adult evaluation, “help” or structure may also invite passivity in adolescence.  Students who previously demonstrated strong work habits and executive functioning skills appear to lose them with their newfound focus on belonging amongst their peers and identity formation, coupled with heightened emotional sensitivity.  It is common for adults to compensate by over-helping or over-structuring academic, which can invite passive or dependent responses from capable adolescents.  Passivity may manifest as emotional withdrawal, apathy, minimal participation in group discussions, avoidance of risk, minimal self-expression, reliance adults for structure, compliance, isolation from peers, lack of participation in individual or group problem-solving, people-pleasing, does not give voice to unpopular opinions, and dependent on others for identity-related choices. (Rubin et al., 2013)

Preparing the Montessori Environment and Teacher 

• Keep Parent Collaboration High– One of the most common challenges with passive behaviors (shyness, dependency, withdrawal, lack of engagement or communication, etc.) is the development of a rescuing dynamic with parents. Communication often becomes triangulated: the child brings home concerns to their parents instead of to the teacher, and the parents then contact the teacher to “advocate” on the child’s behalf. Over time, this dynamic unintentionally disables the teacher and reinforces the child’s dependence, as the child learns that others will speak for them. To prevent this, initiate frequent, proactive communication with parents. Share concerns early, name the pattern when appropriate, and focus on solutions together. The goal is not to eliminate parent involvement, but to become a unified team supporting the child’s development of trust, independence, and self-advocacy.
• Class Meetings – A well run Class Meeting structure can be one of the most potent ingredients in creating a safe and supportive social-emotional environement and avoiding adult dependency for a child with passive behaviors. Because children are actively engaged in helping and supporting one another, students learn that they can depend on their peers as well as teachers.  This makes it much easier for more passive children to reach out to friends for help, and for teachers to redirect them to do so.
• Consistent Routines– Intentionally planned, practiced and executed routines provide children with predictability which leads to a sense of security in the envioronment. These routines may be daily schedules, weekly traditions, or well planned transitions.  When children know what to expect they can prepare themselves internally fostering independence, confidence and self-regulation. 
• Relationship First – When chhidren who exhibit passivity know the adult is on their side, they are more likely to feel safe. Safe communicating and safe taking social and academic risks.  Building connection may take time.  Like “good child” behavior, children who exibit passivity may “fly under the radar”, especially in a classroom where more obtuse distractions and disruptions are taking place.  They may not communicate social or academic difficuloties when they occur or ask for help, wich can lead to more significan problems later.
• Avoid Rescuing — Rescuing a shy or passive child is tempting, and usually comes from a place of compassion. But rescuing is actuallytransgressive. When we rescue, we step into the child’s developing personal power in an attempt to help, we may actually be sending the message that we don’t believe them to be capable.  Support, on the other hand, preserves the child’s agency. Support prepares the environment, offers presence, or gives a simple tool or language the child can choose to use. Rescuing stands in for the child, while support stands with the child.
• Avoid Advice Giving – In addition to rescuing, adults often give advice or short lectures in an effort to help a child who is interacting passively. “Just tell them to stop.”, or “Ignore it.” Without indending to, this may damage the already fagile confidence of a child who does not feel capable or worthy of expressing themselves or setting a boundary with a classmate. 
• Take Time for Teaching – Observe carefully for areas where skills or confidence may be underdeveloped. It is surprisingly easy to assume that certain abilities are already in place when they are not. When laggings skills are identified, design lessons to teach—or gently re-teach—those skills. Avoid comparing a child’s development to that of others. Instead, meet the child where they are, focusing on small, achievable steps and intentionally encouraging gradual movement toward independence and engagement.
• Conflict Resolution Area – A conflict-resolution area provides a safe, structured space for resolving difficulties. This reduces uncertainty for less assertive children by offering clear guidance, minimizing the need to initiate or improvise in the moment. Over time, the structure builds confidence, supports equitable participation with more assertive peers, and allows adults to guide rather than rescue—promoting independence.
• Respect the Child’s Pace – Allow choice in circle attendance and invite participation without pressure, giving the child time to speak when they are ready. Passive behavior can sometimes trigger adult frustration, likely because we care and want the child to experience the benefits of participating in the classroom community. Rather than insisting on attendance or engagement, focus on creating an atmosphere so inviting that it naturally draws the child in.
• Challenge by Choice –A leadership program my students attended each year used the phrase “challenge by choice” to encourage children to take risks they felt ready for on the ropes course. Peers were taught to use the same language when supporting one another. Something remarkable happened: when the choices of more reluctant or passive children were respected, they gradually took bigger risks and left the program more confident and supported than when they arrived. It’s a powerful reminder of how honoring choice can invite genuine challenge and confidence.
• Contribution –Observe for children’s strengths and provide opportunities for them to make meaningful contributions to the classroom community. For example, instead of rotating classroom jobs on a fixed schedule, assign roles based on interests—often a reflection of a child’s strengths. Making meaningful contributions helps children develop a sense of belonging, recognize their capabilities, and discover value they bring to the community.

Grace and Courtesy Lessons for Passive or Withdrawn Children

For a child who interacts with others passively, how we teach social skills matters as much as what we teach. Key considerations include avoiding embarrassment, explicitly teaching tools, and being careful not to send the message that something is wrong with the child or that they are not capable.

Three essential principles should guide this work: build connection and trust before instruction; model more than you explain; and practice in neutral moments—not immediately after a difficult or challenging situation. Start small and isolate the specific difficulty. Offer clear, usable language. Practice privately.

Remember, Grace and Courtesy lessons do not need to take a long time. Many of the most effective lessons take just one to three minutes.

• Asking for Help— Isolate specific situations in which you have observed the child needing help. With younger children, offer clear, concrete language for asking: “Can you help me?”, “I’m having trouble,” or “I need help with this.” With older children, co-create the language together. Practice privately and briefly.
• Offering Help— Observe for acquired skills and strengths. Begin by asking the child for specific help that draws on those strengths. Offer appreciation and encouragement. As you notice confidence building, invite the child to help others in small, specific ways. Teach simple language for offering help: “Would you like some help?” or “I can show you how to do that if you want.” Practice together.
• Joining Others— Model how to watch others before joining and how to wait until a work, activity, or game is finished before asking to join. Teach clear language the child can use: “May I join you?” Also teach language for accepting a refusal: “Okay, thanks anyway,” followed by choosing what to do next.
• Speaking Volume— Children who are shy or passive may use a voice that is difficult for others to hear. Model speaking loudly enough to be heard and practice this together in low-pressure moments.
• Abbreviated Responses— Along with speaking volume, shorter responses can support effective communication and assertiveness. Teach one-word or one-phrase responses such as: “No, thank you.”, “Yes.”, “One, please.” or “Would you move your mat?”.
• Expressing Feelings— Expressing feelings can feel overwhelming for a child who exhibits passivity. Structured tools such as I Language (PDMC, p. 202-205) and Bugs and Wishes (PDMC, p. 206) provide clear, simple frameworks for sharing feelings and building assertiveness in a supported way.
• Repairing Mistakes— Model making mistakes and repairing them: “I really overwatered that plant. Oh well—I can clean it up with a towel.” Teaching this skill is important, but modeling a friendly relationship with error is even more powerful.
• Extending Greetings— Identify two or three predictable moments during the day when the child can practice extending a greeting (welcoming a specialist, passing a familiar teacher, seeing friends for the first time that day). Brainstorm possible greetings together, write them down, and practice privately.
• Responding to Attention— Demonstrate how to receive attention appropriately, including compliments (“Thank you”), offers of help (“I appreciate that”), or greetings (“I’m fine. How are you?”).
• Addressing Minor Conflict— Not every social conflict requires a formal conflict resolution process. Practice a few simple phrases that allow children to address minor misunderstandings or disagreements in the moment: “Can we try again?”, “I’m sorry.” or “Please stop.”.
• Saying No— As the old adage goes, no is a complete sentence. Practice saying no without an explanation or apology: “No.” or “No, thank you.” And remember—sometimes the lessons we teach children are the very ones we need to practice ourselves. 

General Responses

When responding to passive behavior, the primary focus is to support the development of confidence and independence, along with communication, self-expression, problem-solving, resilience, friendliness with error, and collaboration. The characteristics fostered by each response are noted in parentheses.

• Observe to Encourage– Watch closely for small movements in the development of social and communication skills. Record your observations and later share them with the child, offering specific encouragement tied to effort or contribution. “When Janet was having trouble buckling her boots this morning, you stepped out of line to help her. Thank you for being a part of our class.”  (Confidence, Independence)
• Prepare Contribution for Group Settings– Before a lesson or Class Meeting, let the child know what will be happening and invite a specific contribution. “I’m going to need someone to pass out paper slips—would you help me?” or “We’re talking about sedimentary rocks tomorrow. Would you bring one from your collection to share?” (Contribution, Confidence)
• Provide Multiple Modes for Self-Expression– Children who are not verbally expressive may find it easier to communicate through writing or journaling, artwork, dramatic play, or third-person storytelling. Explore these options together and identify which methods feel safest and most effective when the child needs to share something. Slowly build towards verbal expression. (Self Expression)
• Show Faith– Avoid pitying a child who exhibits passivity or shyness. Instead, demonstrate authentic faith in their ability to meet challenges. This means maintaining reasonable, high expectations while offering consistent encouragement and support. (Confidence, Independence). 
• Small Steps – Isolate the difficulty—and then isolate it further if needed. Teach self-expression and communication skills in small, manageable steps, and honor the child’s pace as those skills develop. Progress, not perfection. (Confidence, Independence)
• Reflective Listening– Lecturing or advice-giving quickly shuts down communication with any child, and can be especially damaging for children who are passive or withdrawn. Instead, create safety through Reflective Listening. Listen, reflect, and resist the desire to explain, fix, or instruct. This process supports self-awareness and independent problem-solving. (Self Expression, Problem-Solving)
• Use Humor– Humor brings warmth and humanity into the most difficult moments. Model laughing at yourself, share appropriate jokes, and allow moments of lightness. Shared laughter builds trust and connection. (Resilience, Friendliness with Error)
• Structured Small-Group Activities– When appropriate, involve the child in intentionally designed small-group activities—especially in the elementary years. Clear roles, expectations, and structure can provide guidance for social interaction and a sense of security for children who feel unsure in more open-ended settings.  This can help develop confidence for more organic participation in the classroom. (Confidence, Communication, Problem-Solving).
• Problem-Solve Together– Collaborate with the child to address challenges and make plans. For example, if a child is struggling to engage with peers on the playground, brainstorm possible approaches together and decide on a next step the child feels ready to try. (Problem-Solving, Collaboration, Communication).
• Work With, Work Near, Work Independently– After problem-solving or teaching a new Grace and Courtesy skill, stay present as the child attempts it for the first time. As confidence grows, shift to visual proximity for reassurance, and eventually step away so the child can practice independently. (Confidence, Independence).
• Offer Observation First – Avoid pressuring a child to participate in an activity or lesson. Be proactive, and before the lesson or activity, ask them if they would like to observe first and then join when they are ready – challenge by choice! (Confidence, Resilience)
• “Yet” Languge – Be careful not to label the child’s behavior. Avoid  using terms like “shy” with the child.  This can be interpreted as an immutable charactheristic.  Instead use yet “So, it seems like you’re not comfortable yet.”, or “It’s OK if you don’t feel ready, yet.”  (Resilience, Friendliness with Error, Perserverence)
• Redirect to Help Younger Students – One of the surest ways to build confidence and a sense of capability is to help someone else! Focusing on someone else and how we can help them takes us out of ourselves and creates a real sense of connection.  Alfred Adler believed there was no more powerful way to connect than to contribute to the well being of another.  Tap into the child’s unique set of talents and strengths to help them to experience authentic community feeling through social interest! (Social Interest, Confidence, Connection)

Mistaken Goal Responses

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”  (Dreikurs, 1964).

When children feel supported and encouraged in the classroom environment, and they know they belong (are loved) and feel significant (through responsibility and contribution), they thrive.  With guidance, they develop kindness and respect for others and themselves and discover how capable they are. 

When children feel discouraged, they misbehave, because they have a mistaken belief about how to belong and feel significant.  As Rudolph Dreikurs observed children, he identified four mistaken goals that children adopt when they feel discouraged. 

Below, you will find practical ideas for helping to support positive change for the behavior of passivity for each mistaken goal.  Some of the General Responses, above, are included and aligned with mistaken goals.

Undue Attention (Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully): Children whose mistaken goal is Undue Attention may exhibit passive behavior in order to be noticed, to keep others focused on them, or to obtain special service. Passive behaviors for Undue Attention can manifest as shyness, withdrawing to invite a rescue, adult dependence, reassurance seeking, pleasing, “forgetting,” or feigned helplessness (this is a behavior, and not the same as the mistaken belief of Assumed Inadequacy).

Responses: Fill the child’s bucket (constructive attention) before they misbehave. Acknowledge without rescuing, “Yes, it can be difficult to say ‘no.’” Show faith in their capability, “You know how to get started. What’s the first step?” Use Motivational Curiosity Questions: “What can you say to express that you feel hurt?” Communicate trust by using Presence, Warmth, and Silence (PWS) – stay in proximity, give a knowing smile, and say nothing. Avoid persuasion and coaxing. Ask for help with a meaningful task.

Misguided Power (Let Me Help – Give Me Choices): Children with the mistaken goal of Misguided Power may exhibit passive behavior to demonstrate personal power, agency, and control over their decisions and actions. Passive attempts to stay in control may show up as refusal, non-participation, emotional or physical withdrawal, quiet power struggles, deliberate inaction, rejecting help or suggestions, choosing inactivity over compromise, saying yes and doing no, waiting others out, deliberate procrastination, or subtle provocation.

Responses: Take time for connection. Encourage small steps and respect the child’s agency. ‘Drop the rope’ – step out of power struggles. Avoid lectures, coaxing, or negotiating. Let Natural Consequences do the teaching, “You are free to choose. The outcome belongs to you.” Use Presence, Warmth, and Silence (PWS) to set firm limits without inviting a power struggle. Offer limited and real choices, “You may decide where you want to work; at a table or on the floor. Which do you prefer?” Allow the child to choose when, but not not at all. Create routines together and then let Routines Be the Boss. Give responsibility instead of directives, “This is your work to manage. Let me know if I can help.” or, “You can decide that for yourself.” Encourage constructive use of personal power – helping others. Enlist their help in important tasks, especially those that require community participation. If you find yourself angry, withdraw from the conflict and address it when you are calm.

Revenge (I’m Hurting – Validate My Feelings): Children whose mistaken goal is Revenge are likely to demonstrate passive behavior when they feel hurt, rejected, or excluded. “You hurt me, but I won’t let you see it. I will hurt you back!” In response to a perceived injury or rejection, the child may intentionally hurt others through passive responses such as withdrawing, covert threats, flat affect, secret property destruction, ignoring, saying yes but doing no, staring without responding, refusal to participate, move, or speak, or actively ignoring.

Responses: Acknowledge hurt feelings. Take time to connect when the child is not feeling hurt – build trust. As always, use Reflective Listening. Use Presence, Warmth, and Silence (PWS) to follow through. Avoid interrogating or making assumptions, and ask open-ended Conversational Curiosity Questions. Wait for the child to cool down before discussing a concern. State what you see without blame, “You seem like you are feeling hurt.” or, “I feel like something is not right between us today.” Make amends if you make a mistake. Give space to cool down before engaging. Establish connection before correction, “I’m so glad you decided to come back. How are you feeling? Let’s make a plan for next time, together.” Give encouragement for small steps in participation and communication, “It was really nice having you be part of the geography lesson.” Revenge behavior can cause strong reactions in adults. Avoid the following: public redirection or confrontation, forced participation, coerced communication, and taking the child’s behavior personally.

Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me – Show Me a Small Step):  A child with the mistaken goal of Assumed Inadequacy often believes they are not capable and may exhibit passive behaviors to protect themselves from the experience of perceived failure and the resulting feeling of not belonging. Passive behaviors may include the absence of effort, giving up, not choosing work, watching others passively, lack of social or academic engagement, avoidance of social and academic risks, abandoning work or interactions perceived as difficult, withdrawal, self-protection, adult dependence, “I don’t know” responses, compliance, and minimal effort.

Responses: Take time to teach lagging social and academic skills. Break challenges down into Small Steps, and teach one small step at a time. Later, teach the child to break tasks down into small steps themselves. Give detailed and authentic encouragement for micro-movements. Use Conversational Curiosity Questions to debrief after mistakes and successes. Problem-solve together. Focus on strengths. Ask the child to help you or other children, utilizing their strengths to make a contribution. Avoid pity, pressure, or lowering expectations. Set limits by showing faith in the child’s ability, “You know how to do this. It’s my turn to watch you.” Focus on effort versus results. Avoid rescuing and praise. Give limited choices, then broaden choices as the child develops capability. Work With, Work Near, Work Independently. Slowly add challenge to a well-known task or activity. Start with the familiar. Encourage with facts, “When you realized you had the wrong answer on your math problem, you walked back through each step and found that you miscounted the tens. Then you corrected it yourself.” Model being friendly with error by pointing out your own mistakes. Use humor. Provide structure and routine to promote independence.

The Rest of the Story

After witnessing the incident with the crown and the castle, Elizabeth understood that she needed to do something before it was too late.  A few years earlier, Elizabeth had a young boy in her classroom that had exhibited similar passive behavior.  Another student in her classroom had engaged in some bullying behavior towards the young boy, and she didn’t find out about it until later in the year, because the child never told anyone.  That is, until one day, when it came out at home.  And while Elizabeth was able to address the problem successfully, and make some real progress in helping the child become more communicative and assertive, the parents’ confidence in the school had been depleted and the young boy didn’t return the following year.

Elizabeth knew that she needed to be proactive.  She started working with Monica every day for about 8-10 minutes, teaching her many of the Grace and Courtesy skills listed above: assertiveness, asking for what she wanted, expressing her feelings, saying no, asking for a turn, initiating conversations, maintaining boundaries, and expressing disagreement.

Elizabeth also hunted for opportunities to give specific encouragement for “micro-movements”.  For example, one day when a child took Monica’s place at snack when she got up to get a glass of water, Monica responded, “Max, that’s my spot.  Please wait until I’m done.”  Later that day, Elizabeth pulled Monica aside and shared her observation, “Monica, I noticed that Max took your seat at snack this morning.  And when you cam back to the table you talked to him about that and asked him to wait.  How did you feel?”  Monica cracked a half-smile and said, “Good.”

These “micro-movements” continued.  But, Elizabeth knew that Monica still needed to gain independence and confidence in participating in group discussions – lessons and the class meetings.  This would take some planning and finesse.  So, Elizabeth and her assistant became detectives – always on the lookout for opportunities where they could suggest that Monica bring up a problem on the Class Meeting.  They also found small ways that Monica could prepare ahead of time to share something specific at a lesson – like bringing in a specific leaf from the playground and sharing briefly at a botany lesson.

Moncia’s progress was not fast, but her trust in Elizabeth had really blossomed.  In May, one month before the school ended for the year, Elizabeth noted a hint of frustration on Monica’s face when she was cleaning the bathroom – her end of the day classroom job.  Elizabeth approached her and commented, “It looks like you are feeling frustrated.”  Moncia said, “People are throwing their paper towels on the ground instead of putting them in the garbage.  It’s disgusting, and I’m tired of cleaning up after other people.  The garbage is right there!” 

Elizabeth, trying not to be too enthusiastic replied, “I understand how you feel.  And, I know other children have had the same frustration when they cleaned the bathroom.  Would you like to put it on the Class Meeting agenda?”  Monica didn’t say anything.  She just walked across the classroom and wrote her problem down on the Class Meeting agenda – her first ever!

A week later the problem came up at the Class Meeting, and Monica shared her frustration in about as few words as is humanly possible, but she shared it nonetheless.  The class discussed the problem, and they decided, together, that they would start using cloth towels for drying their hands, and place a hamper right next to the stack!  This was great progress for Monica.

While Monica was never the most outspoken child in the school, when she graduated, there was no doubt that those quintessential characteristics of a Montessori student were well in place!

References

Chen, D. W., Fein, G. G., Killen, M., & Tam, H. P. (2001). Peer conflicts of preschool children: Issues, resolution, incidence, and age-related patterns. Early Education and Development, 12(4), 523–544.

Coplan, R. J., Rubin, K. H., Fox, N. A., Calkins, S. D., & Stewart, S. (1994). Being alone, playing alone, and acting alone: Distinguishing among reticence, and passive- and active-solitude in young children. Child Development, 65, 129–137.

Dreikurs, R., & Grey, L. (1982). Children: The challenge. Hawthorn Books.

Montessori, M. (1967). The discovery of the child (M. J. Costelloe, Trans.). Ballantine Books. (Original work published 1948)

Nelsen, J., DeLorenzo, C. (2021) Positive discipline in the Montessori classroom. Parent Child Press.

Nelson, L. J., Rubin, K. H., & Fox, N. A. (2005). Social withdrawal, observed peer acceptance, and the development of self-perceptions in children ages 4 to 7 years. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 20(2), 185–200.

Parray, W. M., & Kumar, S. (2022). The effect of assertiveness training on behaviour, self-esteem, stress, academic achievement and psychological well-being of students: A quasi-experimental study. Industrial Research & Development, 2(2), 83–90.

Rubin, K. H., Coplan, R. J., & Bowker, J. C. (2009). Social withdrawal in childhood. Annual Review of Psychology, 60, 141–171.

Chip DeLorenzo is a Montessori educator, former Head of School, and co-author of Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom. He works with Montessori teachers and schools worldwide to support social development, independence, and community.

© 2026 Chip DeLorenzo