Peer Conflict

Since we have the means to guide the child, it is clear that the formation of man is in our hands. We have the possibility to form the citizen of the world and the study of the young child is fundamental to the peace and progress of humanity. ~ Maria Montessori

Anne noticed that two of her students were still on the playground as their classmates approached the door to go inside from recess.  As she looked closer, she noticed that the two students were in a heated argument.  Her co-teacher took the children inside and Anne walked over to Mateo and Oliver, both age 6, to see what was happening.  As she approached, she heard Mateo say, “I can take all the rocks off the playground before the end of the year!” 

Oliver yelled, “It’s impossible.  Do you even know how the rock cycle works!?” 

Anne had to stop herself from laughing.  She couldn’t believe this was the topic of the argument.  But she also knew that the conflict was not really about the topic, itself.  The boys were working out something bigger; the topic was just the setting. 

When a child first enters a Montessori classroom they immediately begin to learn how to navigate the classroom social environment.  Grace and Courtesy lessons introduce Montessori children to the social landscape they’ll encounter—both within their classroom community and in the world outside the classroom. Among the essential skills embedded in these lessons is the ability to communicate clearly and work through conflicts with peers. In a well-run Montessori classroom, children learn and practice expressing what they feel, listening to what others say, and ideally directing their energy toward problem-solving rather than assigning fault.

When we teach children to resolve conflicts on their own, they build lifelong social and relationship skills.  The emotional intelligence they gain while working through challenging moments with classmates—understanding different perspectives, speaking up for themselves, disagreeing respectfully, having genuine conversations, finding workable compromises, establishing healthy limits—are critical life skills that they will carry with them long after they leave our classrooms.  Imagine your students eventually carrying skills into their families, their careers, or maybe even onto the global stage.

These character and relationship skills are invaluable unto themselves, but there’s also a very practical reason why developing independence in conflict resolution is vital: the classroom environment depends on it. When children need to wait for an adult to referee every disagreement, the teacher gets pulled away from observing, presenting lessons, and guiding students toward meaningful engagement. Without that connection to purposeful activity, normalization stalls. Disengaged children are more likely to generate additional conflicts, creating a cycle of adult dependence. In classrooms where children resolve interpersonal conflicts with increasing independence, the teacher is free to fulfill her primary role: preparing and connecting children to the environment.

Peer Conflict and the Planes of Development

Toddler (Under 3 years) – In the first half of the first plane of development, toddlers are just beginning to develop impulse control, ownership, and social awareness. Peer conflict at this stage is typically an immediate physical or emotional reaction rather than a true social conflict (Joyce, Kraybill, Chen, Cuevas, Deater-Deckard, & Bell, 2016). These conflicts are expected as toddlers experience competing needs within the classroom community and often appear as yelling, grabbing, pushing, biting, or crying.

It is important to note that these behaviors reflect emotional or neurological reactions, not intentional choices. There should be no expectation of independent conflict resolution at this stage; toddlers need the calm, supportive guidance of an adult to protect, redirect, and support regulation.

Children’s House (3-6 years) – In the second half of the first plane of development, children begin to experience true social conflict.  Children from 3-6 become more socially aware while maintaining an egocentric perspective and move from seeing their classmates as part of the environment (solitary and parallel play) to separate social beings with whom they are beginning to form relationships (associative and cooperative play).  (Joyce et al., 2016).

During peer conflict children may argue over “ownership” of materials, disagree about their roles in a game, exclude others, tattle, or exhibit difficulty in waiting, sharing or compromising.  As well, because children at this stage are still developing self-regulation skills, they are still prone to physical and emotional reactions to conflict.

Elementary (6-12 years) – During the second plane of development, peer conflict takes on particular importance. Social relationships take on new meaning for the elementary child as they develop a deep need for belonging and significance in their peer community.  Their identity formation takes place increasingly in a social context.  As they begin to develop abstract reasoning, greater social awareness and strong focus on justice and morality, elementary aged children will frequently find themselves peer conflict.  But this conflict, while sometimes uncomfortable, is necessary to develop relationship skills and moral reasoning (Walker, Hennig, & Krettenauer, 2000).

Conflicts will arise out of perceived unfairness, exclusion, teasing and an ever-changing social order.  These conflicts are often manifest as arguments, and are accompanied by strong emotions, and some children may still respond physically to their hurt or anger.  It is important for adults to understand that conflicts are a sign of a growing capacity for empathy, social responsibility and moral reasoning.  Critical social and emotional growth takes place when conflicts are treated as an opportunity to learn relationship skills rather than just an unwanted disruption.

Adolescence (12-18 years) – As adolescents actively form their identity and reach for autonomy and purpose (Benish-Weisman, 2024), they will inevitably find themselves in conflict with their peers. Neurologically primed for emotional vulnerability, adolescents are especially sensitive to peer criticism and perceptions.  They have a deep desire to feel accepted and significant within their peer group, and friendships take on even greater importance than they did during the elementary years. As adolescents wrestle with the questions, “Who am I, and do I matter?” conflict is no longer simply about fairness or moral reasoning, but reflects a deeper search for meaning, dignity, and identity.

Conflicts may arise around issues of friendship, rejection, social identity, romantic interests, criticism and exclusion. At this stage, adolescents begin to identify with peer groups that reflect shared values and beliefs rather than with interests or proximity alone, and conflicts may arise with peers who do not share or no longer share those values or beliefs.

Preparing the Environment and the Teacher

• Focus on Independence – In the toddler and early childhood years, the adult’s primary role is to protect the child, model calm and respectful language, and prepare an environment that minimizes competition and unnecessary social strain; at this stage, children are not expected to resolve conflicts independently. As children mature, the adult’s role gradually shifts toward explicitly teaching Grace and Courtesy, facilitating dialogue, supporting perspective-taking, and guiding children toward responsibility and repair rather than imposing solutions. A common misstep—particularly with older children—is assuming they already possess the social skills necessary for healthy conflict resolution, an assumption that often results in increased adult intervention. When communication and relationship skills are taught intentionally and in advance, adult involvement naturally diminishes as children internalize these capacities and act with greater independence (Lillard, 2017).
• Treat Conflict as an Opportunity to Learn – Conflict is not only inevitable; it is essential to the development of authentic, healthy relationships. Throughout the lifespan, individuals grow by learning to navigate disagreement with respect and care. Social harmony does not emerge from the absence of conflict, but from the child’s developing capacity for self-regulation, empathy, and moral reasoning within a prepared social environment. As Haim Ginott reminds us, the adult “sets the emotional climate” of the classroom through tone, attitude, and response (Ginott, 1972). While peer conflict can interrupt lessons and routines, the adult’s orientation toward conflict profoundly shapes how children experience it. When mistakes and disagreements are treated as opportunities for learning and growth—and this stance is explicitly named and consistently modeled—it becomes embedded in the classroom culture, supporting children in developing a healthy relationship with conflict (Tennessee Education Association & Appalachia Educational Laboratory, 1993).
• Focus on Solutions – Punitive adult responses are among the greatest barriers to children developing strong social and life skills around conflict. Rudolf Dreikurs (1964) emphasized that behavior is best addressed by helping children constructively develop a sense of belonging and significance, rather than through punishment or reward. While situations involving physical harm require clear boundaries, leadership involvement, and adherence to school policies, most peer conflicts do not. A focus on solutions emphasizes responsibility, collaboration, and repair; when attention shifts away from blame and toward problem-solving, children are more likely to reflect, take responsibility, and engage constructively with one another. In the Montessori classroom, the emphasis is on fostering moral development through lived experience rather than external control (Montessori, 1949).
• Clear Adult Procedures for Conflict – Adult procedures should include explicit instruction in conflict-resolution skills, access to cooling-down strategies, a shared resolution model, clear safety protocols, and guidance regarding when leadership support is required. Alignment among adults creates confidence and predictability, which in turn supports children’s sense of psychological safety and trust in the environment.
• Clear Child Procedures for Conflict – Children, like adults, benefit from knowing what to do—and how to do it—when relationship challenges arise. As we well know, as Montessorians, children have a natural and strong drive toward independence and competence. Because emotional reactions during conflict can limit access to higher-order reasoning, practiced problem-solving steps support both self-regulation and executive functioning. Knowing what to do in moments of stress is a powerful aid to regulation—much like rehearsing fire drills before an emergency.
• Conflict Resolution Area – A designated conflict-resolution space, ideally offering some privacy, brings intention and focus to conflict resolution. After direct teaching of problem-solving skills (see Grace and Courtesy Skills below) the conflict resolution area becomes part of the prepared environment, with the goal of providing concrete support to children as they internalize relationship skills. The goal of this area is not to have children go there every time they have a problem – although it may start out that way – but to support social independence, so children are able to apply relationship skills naturally, in real time. In short, when children resolve conflicts through everyday conversation, without using the conflict-resolution area or the need for adult intervention, the area has fulfilled it’s purpose!
• Positive Time Out Area – Conflict cannot be resolved when a child is dysregulated, making the development of self-regulation a vital foundation for independent peer conflict resolution. The Positive Time-Out (PTO) area is an essential element of the prepared environment in a PDMC classroom—a designated space where children may choose to go when they need support in calming their bodies and emotions. Its purpose is not isolation or punishment, but the intentional support of self-regulation through thoughtful environmental design. Created with the children, the PTO area belongs to the community; children are not sent there, though adults may offer guidance. Guides explicitly teach a range of self-regulation strategies, such as deep breathing or engaging in calming activities available in the PTO area, so children can independently access these tools when needed. Note: The term Positive Time Out is not used with children; it is used among adults to explicitly distinguish its purpose from a punitive time-out.
• Class Meetings – Class Meetings are a powerful structure for teaching problem-solving, democratic participation, and social responsibility. When children experience ongoing challenges with peers, they may bring these concerns to the meeting agenda, where no one is ever “in trouble” and the focus remains on collective reflection and solution-seeking. This practice aligns with Montessori’s vision of education as preparation for social life, offering children meaningful opportunities to listen, articulate their needs, and contribute to the well-being of the group. During Class Meetings, peers listen with care, offer validation and support, and suggest strategies to help resolve challenges successfully. One of the most significant benefits of this process is that learning extends beyond the individual child, strengthening the social understanding and problem-solving skills of the entire community.

Grace and Courtesy Skills for Peer Conflict

You will notice that the Grace and Courtesy Skills portion of this article is longer than usual. That is because teaching children to resolve conflict is a highly intentional process that requires time, explicit instruction, and repeated practice. The good news is that once these skills are learned, they support social independence in the classroom and foster an environment where mistakes become opportunities to practice lifelong social and relationship skills.

• Taking Turns– For younger children, turn-taking can easily invite conflict. Teach this skill through modeling and simple verbal cues: “It’s your turn. Now it’s my turn.” Make learning playful by incorporating short games and role-play during circle time. In the Children’s House, brainstorm together what to do when someone goes out of turn (see ‘Correcting a Friend’ below).
• Waiting in Line– While I generally advise against lining up unless it serves a clear purpose (such as safety), waiting in line is still an important life skill. Brainstorm respectful ways to wait with children and practice intentionally when lining up is necessary. Reflect together afterward: “What did we do well? What can we improve?”
• Making a Request– Teach children the steps for making a respectful request: gain the other person’s attention (a gentle touch on the shoulder, eye contact, or “excuse me”), state the request using polite language (“Please may I…,” “Is it possible…”), and wait patiently for a response. Practice during circle time and model this process throughout the day. For very young children, simple sign language can support early requests.
• Responding to a Request– Teach children how to agree to a request (“Yes, you may…” or “Sure, you can…”) as well as how to decline respectfully: “I’m working with that right now. You may use it when I’m finished,” or “I can’t share that right now. I’ll come get you when I’m done.” This skill benefits greatly from role-play.
• Giving a Correction– This skill is often expected but rarely taught. Because it is delicate, it requires careful modeling and practice. Teach a simple process: use a kind tone, begin with an I notice statement, give accurate information, and offer help. For example: “I notice you put the pouring work on the Sensorial shelf. It goes on the Practical Life shelf. Would you like me to show you where that is?” Children can begin learning this language at four or five years old, and it becomes especially important in Lower Elementary.
• Receiving a Correction– Model and practice simple responses for receiving a correction gracefully in the Children’s House: “Thank you for showing that to me,” or “I know where that goes, thank you.” With elementary-aged children, co-create responses, practice them together, and discuss what to do when they feel frustrated by a friend’s correction.
• Including Others– Including others is not always comfortable, but it can be deeply rewarding and supports a sense of belonging. Teach children how to say, “No, thank you.”, while also helping them develop empathy for others. Brainstorm ways to help peers feel included and reflect together on how it feels to include someone else.
• Bugs and Wishes* – Teach young children (ages 2½–5) how to express themselves, set boundaries, and ask for what they want using theBugs and Wishes  A bug: “I don’t like it when…” and a wish: “I wish….” For example: “I don’t like it when you push me. I wish you would please wait patiently.”
• I Language* – LikeBugs and Wishes, I Language is a communication model, but it is designed for elementary and adolescent students (and adults). It supports sharing feelings without blame and keeps the focus on solutions. The model is: “I feel ___ when/because ___, and I wish ___.” For example: “I felt sad when you ripped my work, and I wish you would talk to me if you are upset.”
• Reflective Listening* – Reflective listening can be introduced as early as age six. Begin by teaching children to repeat back what they heard and check for understanding: “I heard you say ___. Did I get that right?” This helps the speaker feel heard and supports the listener in truly understanding. Listening is a skill—not just a gift.
• Nonverbal Communication* – Body language matters. This lesson is especially engaging when acted out. Invite children to silently show, through facial expressions and posture, what it looks like when someone is not listening or does not care. Then have them show what it looks like when someone is truly listening and engaged. Discuss how each impacts the speaker.
• Cool Down* – Ask children what it feels like when they are overwhelmed by anger or sadness. What does their brain sound like? What do they want to do? Can problems be solved in this state? Normalize the experience by acknowledging that adults feel this way too. Create a Positive Time-Out area and teach two or three self-regulation strategies (deep breathing, journaling, taking a walk, etc.). Children must be regulated before conflict resolution can be effective.
• Choosing a Solution Together (Compromising)* – With younger children, brainstorm solutions to common problems ahead of time and refer to the list during conflicts. With elementary and adolescent students, explicitly teach collaborative problem-solving. Have students work in pairs, assign each pair a common problem, and ask them to generate four possible solutions. Share and reflect as a group. Encourage students to choose a solution that works for everyone involved.
• Perspective Taking* – Understanding that two people can experience the same event very differently is a critical skill for elementary and adolescent students. Different interpretations do not mean someone is lying; they are often sharingtheir feelings or perceptions. Introduce this skill by sharing a brief, realistic peer-conflict story without too many details. Ask students to write what each character might be thinking and feeling. Invite volunteers to share and ask, “Can two people think and feel differently about the same situation?” Discuss how this understanding supports the ability to resolve conflict.
• Let It Go– Many of us grew up being told to “ignore it,” but what, exactly, were we being asked to ignore—our feelings, the event itself, or our understanding of what happened? “Let it go” offers a more empowering alternative. The child is allowed to have their feelings and to make sense of the experience. Then, if they choose, they can release those feelings and move forward. This is a life skill many of us were never explicitly taught: acknowledging that feelings of hurt or anger are valid, while also recognizing that we have the ability to let them go rather than remain stuck in them.
• Assertiveness– Invite children to role-play saying, “Stop!” aggressively and discuss how it might feel to receive that message. Then role-play saying, “Stop” passively and reflect on its impact. Finally, model how to say, “Stop” with both kindness and firmness. Have children practice and discuss how this version feels to the listener. For younger children, simply model the kind-and-firm response and provide opportunities for practice.

*Key communication skills to teach children in preparation for conflict resolution.

General Responses

• Show What to Do vs. What Not to Do – Showing children what to do what not to do is really the foundation of the way we approach children in a Montessori classroom, and ideally the way that we lead Montessori communities. For younger children, ages 1.5 to 3 years old, redirecting their behavior by showing them what to do when conflict arises is going to be the primary tool for helping them to navigate peer conflict.  With children ages 4 and older, this principal will still be in play, but it will in the form of Grace and Courtesy lessons as proactive skill building vs. a response to conflict.
• Wheel of Choice – The Wheel of Choice is a simple yet powerful tool for helping children solve common classroom problems. It is created through discussion with the children, guided brainstorming, and recording their ideas—often with pictures for younger children—on a pie chart. When a conflict arises, the child refers to the wheel to choose a strategy to try. In this way, the Wheel of Choice supports problem-solving while preserving the child’s sense of agency.
• Class Meeting – In elementary and adolescent communities, students can ask for help with peer conflict at a Class Meeting. The Class Meeting provides a structured and facilitated forum where students can share their challenges, be heard, and work collaboratively toward solutions.  In this process, all students learn and practice perspective-taking, problem-solving, empathy and decision making.  The Class Meeting provides adult guidance and facilitation rather than adult-imposed fixes.
• Peace Table – Redirect children to the Peace Table. Whether you use an actual table or simply a designated area in the classroom for conflict resolution, children can go to this area together, after cooling down, and use a structured process, familiar to everyone, to find constructive solutions to their conflict.  Having a Wheel of Choice in the area can be very helpful.
• Reflective Listening – When a child comes to you to tell you about a conflict, use Reflective Listening. Sometimes, just listening is enough to support a child in finding a solution to their problem.  Reflective Listening supports self-regulation and perspective-taking which in turn support independent problem-solving. 
• Conversational Curiosity Questions – When supporting students in conflict, use Conversational Curiosity Questions—a simple Socratic approach that helps children separate observation from interpretation, examine their reasoning, and reduce emotional reactivity. This open-ended form of questioning allows the adult to remain neutral by clarifying students’ thinking rather than judging right or wrong, positioning the adult as a guide to the process instead of a referee.
• Positive Time-Out – When a child is upset or dysregulated, redirect them to cool down before attempting to problem-solve with the peer involved in the conflict. Using the Positive Time-Out area to cool down supports conflict resolution by calming the nervous system, preventing escalation, and preparing the child for thoughtful problem-solving and repair.
• Avoid Consequences – Whenever possible, avoid using consequences for peer conflict. Solution-focused approaches, as outlined in this article, applied with kindness and firmness, will foster responsibility and mutual respect. Administering consequences places the adult in the role of judge rather than trusted guide. Of course, following safety protocols is essential, but true problem-solving is the key to long-term social learning and true repair.  There is a situation where Logical Consequences can be helpful however… see the next suggestion – Same Boat.
• Same Boat – Putting children in the Same Boat is a simple concept. When addressing the students involved in a conflict you interact with them as a unit rather than as two separate individuals.  This avoids the perception of side-taking and puts them symbolically “in the same boat”.  For example, if two students keep arguing with one another you might simply respond by saying, “Your arguing is disruptive to my lesson.  Please work in separate places until my lesson is over and you are feeling ready to solve the problem respectfully.”  If the students respond with blaming one another, simply repeat what you just said, and then stay Present, Warm and Silent.
• Disengage – One of the unique characteristics of a Montessori school is that children often move through the levels of the school as a group, and in doing so become close and well known to one another. Sometimes their take on the characteristics of sibling rivalries rather than peer conflicts.  These two types of conflicts differ in that sibling rivalries almost always include trying to involve the adult to take sides.  Intervention –  even using the tools that we have discussed – is then perceived as the adult taking sides which further inflames the conflict. If you notice this sibling dynamic, disengaging from the conflict can help you to stay neutral and put the responsibility for resolving the conflict where it belongs – with the children. For example, “You two know how to work out your problem, I trust you can figure this out on your own.” – and then walk away.  Putting them in the Same Boat can also be very effective if you observe a sibling dynamic has emerged.

Mistaken Goal Responses

A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”  (Dreikurs, 1964).

When children feel supported and encouraged in the classroom environment, and they know they belong (are loved) and feel significant (through responsibility and contribution), they thrive.  With guidance, they develop kindness and respect for others and themselves and discover how capable they are. 

When children feel discouraged, they misbehave, because they have a mistaken belief about how to belong and feel significant.  As Rudolph Dreikurs observed children, he identified four mistaken goals that children adopt when they feel discouraged. 

Below, you will find practical ideas for helping to support positive change for the behavior of ongoing conflict with peers for each mistaken goal.  Some of the General Responses, above, are included and aligned with mistaken goals.

Undue Attention (Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully): Children whose mistaken goal is Undue Attention may engage in peer conflict in order to be noticed, to keep others focused on them, or to obtain special service. Peer conflict may arise through provoking or interrupting others, creating minor disruptions, violating personal space, tattling, or inserting themselves into another child’s work or social interactions.

Responses: Take time to teach constructive ways to find belonging—turn-taking, asking to join, raising a hand in group settings, honoring requests, etc. Show faith in the child’s ability to resolve conflict independently: “I have faith that you can solve this yourself.” Avoid over-involvement in peer conflicts and public correction. Stay nearby during conflict resolution without speaking. Set limits using First This, Then That, for example: “I am happy to listen after you return her pencil.” Use Conversational Curiosity Questions. Focus on repair.

Misguided Power (Let Me Help – Give Me Choices): Children with the mistaken goal of Misguided Power may engage in peer conflict to demonstrate personal power, agency, and control over their decisions and actions. Peer conflicts may present as arguing over roles, rules, or materials; ending play or work if others do not comply; assigning roles and making rules; ignoring requests; withdrawing; refusing to engage or compromise; or focusing on being “right” rather than problem-solving.

Responses: Teach positive leadership skills such as inviting input, compromising, rotating roles, and asking, “What do you think?” Practice disagreeing respectfully. Let routines be the boss (routines, roles, responsibilities). Invite input when creating guidelines and making rules. Problem-solve together using the Four Steps for Follow-Through. Insist on a cool-down prior to conflict resolution. Take a break together: “Let’s pause this game and come back in a few minutes to figure this out together.” Use Limited Choices. For example: “You may play the game by the rules we agreed upon or choose a different game. You decide.” Acknowledge personal power while maintaining limits: “No, I can’t make you, but I would appreciate your help. I’ll be in the math area when you are ready.” Avoid punitive consequences, ultimatums, and lectures. Focus on impact rather than compliance: “What happened when you made up all the rules? What did you want to happen? What could you do next time?” Use the Wheel of Choice.

Revenge (I’m Hurting – Validate My Feelings): Children whose mistaken goal is Revenge are likely to engage in peer conflict when they feel deeply hurt, rejected, or treated unfairly. In response to a perceived injury or injustice, they may intentionally hurt others through physical aggression, verbal attacks, threats, public embarrassment, withdrawal, or property destruction.

Responses: Teach I-Language, perspective-taking, cooling-off strategies, problem-solving, and making amends. Avoid blame, retaliation, and punitive responses, as these approaches intensify the revenge cycle. Increase supervision to create more opportunities for proactive adult support—showing children what to do rather than what not to do. Reflective Listening is essential for establishing emotional safety. Validate feelings without justifying behavior: “I see how hurt you are. Are you okay?” After validation, shift the focus to repair: “What might Braedon be feeling? What could you do to help him?” Interrupt harm kindly and firmly: “Stop. I won’t let anyone get hurt in our classroom.” Put children in the Same Boat. Act, don’t talk—quietly and quickly remove both children from the situation when necessary, and return to problem-solving later.

Note: These responses may appear permissive, but punitive reactions often intensify revenge-based behavior by reinforcing a child’s sense of injustice. Lasting change comes from emotional safety, repair, and knowing that adults are on their side—even after serious mistakes.

Assumed Inadequacy (Don’t Give Up on Me – Show Me a Small Step): A child with the mistaken goal of Assumed Inadequacy often believes they are not capable and may engage in peer conflict out of discouragement or perceived failure—especially when comparing themselves to others. Peer conflict behaviors may include tantrums, withdrawal, blame-shifting, denying responsibility, avoidance, passivity followed by resentment, delayed reactions, self-deprecating language, or giving up by leaving conflict unresolved.

Responses: Teach social skills that support belonging and significance: asking to join, inviting a friend, setting boundaries, and resolving conflict. Practice assertive language together. Observe to encourage—notice small, authentic successes. Work with, work near, and then allow children to work independently with conflict resolution, beginning with direct support and gradually increasing independence. Avoid pity and over-assistance; focus instead on skill-building. Intervene quietly if a child is allowing mistreatment, then engage them in problem-solving. Redirect strengths toward contributing to others—assign responsibilities slightly below skill level and increase them gradually. Normalize mistakes publicly: “It looks like we’re not perfect!” Ask Conversational Curiosity Questions before conflict resolution and after the child has cooled down. Redirect to yet language: “So, you haven’t been able to make friends… yet.” Pair the child with patient, supportive classmates. Create an individual Wheel of Choice with the student.

The Rest of the Story

After Anne approached Oliver and Mateo, she asked what was wrong.  Oliver was the first to speak!  “Mateo thinks he can take every rock off this playground by the end of the year.  It’s actually impossible.  Rocks from deep in the earth come up to the soil all the time.  It’s endless!”

Mateo quickly said, “Oliver never believes me!  I’ve been taking rocks home all year, and I have almost cleared the area by the climbing structure.  He never believes me!”

Anne did a little reflective listening, “So, Oliver, you seem angry because Mateo won’t listen to you about the rock cycle, and you wish he would believe you.  Did I get that right?”

Oliver, calmer, replied, “Yeah, he doesn’t believe me.”

“And Mateo, you seem to be feeling sad because you’ve worked really hard to clear the playground of rocks and have made some serious progress, and you wish Oliver would believe you?   It sounds like you two have a lot in common,” Anne said.

The boys both nodded.

Anne then said, “When you are both cooled down, would you like to use the Peace Shell to see if you can solve your problem?”

They both agreed and returned to the classroom.  The boys later solved their problem by themselves in the hallway with the Peace Shell (an object that is held by the person talking to signify that they “have the floor”).  The re-entered the classroom without much fanfare, went back to work, and finished their day with a win.   As for Anne, she had a funny story to tell, and great feedback on her lesson on the rock cycle… at least from one student!

References

Benish-Weisman, M. (2024). “Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are:” The contribution of peers to adolescents’ values. Child Development Perspectives, 18(4), 182–189.

Cao, Y., Wang, H., Lv, Y., & Xie, D. (2023). The influence of children’s emotional comprehension on peer conflict resolution strategies. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, Article 1142373.

Chen, D. W., Fein, G. G., Killen, M., & Tam, H. P. (2001). Peer conflicts of preschool children: Issues, resolution, incidence, and age-related patterns. Early Education and Development, 12(4), 523–544.

Dreikurs, R. (1964). Children: The challenge. Hawthorn Books.

Ginott, H. G. (1972). Teacher and child: A book for parents and teachers. Macmillan.

Joyce, A. W., Kraybill, J. H., Chen, N., Cuevas, K., Deater-Deckard, K., & Bell, M. A. (2016). A longitudinal investigation of conflict and delay inhibitory control in toddlers and preschoolers. Early Education and Development, 27(6), 788–804.

Lawrence, J. A., Walker, L. J., Hennig, K. H., & Krettenauer, T. (2000). Parent and peer contexts for children’s moral reasoning development. Child Development, 71(4), 1033–1048.

Lillard, A. S. (2017). Montessori: The science behind the genius (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.

Montessori, M. (1912). The Montessori method: Scientific pedagogy as applied to child education in “The Children’s Houses” (A. E. George, Trans.). Frederick A. Stokes Company.

Montessori, M. (1949). The absorbent mind. Theosophical Publishing House.

Montessori, M. (1967). The discovery of the child. Ballantine Books.

Montessori, M. (1995). Education for a new world. Clio Press.

Montessori, M. (2020). Citizen of the World. Montessori Pearson Publishing House. P. 93

Tennessee Education Association & Appalachia Educational Laboratory. (1993). Reducing school violence: Schools teaching peace. Office of Educational Research and Improvement, U.S. Department of Education.

Montessori, M. (2020). Citizen of the World. Montessori Pearson Publishing House. P. 93

© 2025 Chip DeLorenzo